Warning to Wives: When Husbands Retire, Give Them Room

Here’s a word of warning to all wives whose husbands are on the verge of retirement. Forget downsizing. When men retire, they need more room, not less.

As DC neared his retirement last October, bringing 40 years of practicing law to a close, he dreamed aloud of all he would do with his newly unleashed time. He would work part time as a mediator. He would write music and play guitar. He would work on his genealogy and on directing the next play for our community theater. The man has no shortage of interests. What he did have, however, was a shortage of space.

In our home, DC used a small, pathetic room meant for storage to pursue his hobbies. The space had a low ceiling that pitched downward on two sides like a doghouse, so you could only fully stand in the center. In addition to DC’s guitars and keyboard, it housed a water heater, the circuit-breaker box, and the often-noisy air handler.

This would never do in retirement, but with our growing, far-flung family, I couldn’t let him take over a guest room, or any other part of the already-spoken-for house. I could just foresee his projects creeping into the kitchen, the family room, my office. I’d heard about men who retire and are suddenly always around. Oh no! I panicked. This was not going to be us. So, I gathered my wits and did what any calm, supportive, level-headed wife would do.

I sold the house in under a week without listing it. 

What happened next was nothing short of hat trick, or a testament to self-preservation, or both: We moved into a new home that turned out to be a win financially, physically and — yes — maritally.  

Financially we scored because the new house cost two-thirds of what we sold the old house for, which meant (YAY!) no more mortgage. Check off that retirement goal.

Physically, we scored because we didn’t give up any bedrooms. Between us, DC and I have five adult children, seven grandchildren and two on the way, scattered across four states. If we wanted our blended, extended family to visit (Yes!), a smaller house with fewer bedrooms wouldn’t do. Plus, in the new house all bedrooms are downstairs with the rest of the living space, which just makes life easier.

But the best physical gain is that the new house is slightly larger, by 300 square feet. Those 300 square feet belong to an upstairs bonus room, read “mancave,” which leads me to the marital advantage.

But before I go there, I can hear you asking, “Who buys a bigger house when they retire?” Well, actually, according to a National Association of Realtors study, most homebuyers over age 55 buy a home the same size as the one they sold, and many upsize. “The idea that retirees want to downsize is a persistent myth,” said Jessica Lautz, an economist who worked on the report.

Amen, sister.

When DC first saw the room during our house hunt, he lit up like a kid seeing a Ferris wheel. He quickly claimed the 30’ x 13’ retreat, which has an adjoining bathroom and closet. We moved in one month before his last day of work and have been grateful for every extra inch of our new home ever since.

While mancaves can serve as welcome getaways for men at any stage of life, for retirees and those married to them, a mancave may be a sanity saver. When creating yours, consider these mancave musts:

·      Be original. If you’ve seen one mancave, you’ve seen one mancave. That’s because done right they should be as unique as their owners. Spaces range from glorified game rooms, sports bars, speakeasies, and hunting lodges to poker dens, studios, and places to showcase career or travel highlights.

·      Dedicate a space. Not all mancaves are in the main house. For some men, like my dad back in the day, the garage is their sanctuary. Others lose themselves in a workshop or greenhouse. Some convert an attic or basement. Regardless of where, the common denominator of these mancaves is they are dedicated to the guy’s interests.

·      Design with purpose. Before letting DC have his way with his blank-slate room (knowing where that could lead), I intervened, “Let’s design this space, so you have the room you deserve.” He agreed. I started by asking what all he wanted to do here, then divided the long room into zones: music, entertainment, and legal work. On one end is a work desk where he can conduct mediations. Nearby is a leather sofa and coffee table where he can sit and read scripts, while monitoring his favorite team on a wall-mounted flatscreen. On the other end, we mounted his guitars on the wall, where they double as décor and get off the floor, and added a curved music workstation that can hold a keyboard and a laptop. Along the long wall we hung a series of six framed 24” x 48” marquee posters featuring some of the plays he’s directed. A small pool table may be in his future.

·      Set it apart. By definition, a mancave should look distinct from the rest of the house. Entering should feel as if you are moving into another realm. Décor can be rustic or high-tech, outdoorsy or sporty, it can include arcade machines, a dart board, sports memorabilia, a putting green, photos of that prize catch, a card table, a shuffleboard, weight machines or a home theater, whatever reflects the man.

·      Beverage station. For many men, their mancave would not be complete without a libation station, whether a small refrigerator or a fully stocked bar. I drew the line at letting DC have a bar upstairs because I said I would never see him. And, as glad as I am that he has his own retreat, I do like to see him.

CAPTION: In the zone — DC at work composing music in his mancave. (Inset), the other side of the mancave features a sofa for reading, napping or watching the game. Photos courtesy Marni Jameson.