Retiring Spouses Can Create Waves on the Homefront

My friends warned me about retiring husbands. As one succinctly described the watershed event: “Twice the husband, half the income? No thank you.”

So, before DC retired last October, we discussed the many ways we could foresee our day-to-day homelife changing once he was no longer heading off to work every morning. We pictured how we’d like it to be, and not be – as if we knew.

“What are you worried about?” he asked.

“I don’t want it to be like having a puppy.”

He tilted his head the way our Doodle does.

“Not that you’d do this,” I added hastily, “but you know, puppies need lots of attention. Have to go out frequently. Need to learn the ropes. And, when they’re not getting into mischief, they follow you around.”

“I have lots of interests,” he said, which is absolutely true. “And puppies don’t work on maintaining the budget.”

One of their positives, I think but wisely don’t say.

What I was trying to say, if poorly, was that, while I love my husband’s company, I also value my time and space. Both suddenly felt threatened. I still work from home, even though no one in my family thinks what I do is actual work. To quote one family member whom I shall not name: “You do know you don’t have a real job, don’t you?”

Clearly, if not a little respect, I at least need boundaries.

Here’s what I mean. I have a pair of chairs sitting across from my desk. They’re mainly for looks. I don’t have visitors to my home office. I just write here, take phone calls, work on my design projects and pay bills. Then, the other day, I looked up from my desk and there he was, my retired husband, sporting a tan and an open-necked shirt, plunked in one of the chairs.

“May I help you?”

“I thought we’d go to lunch.”

“Lunch?” I said, in a tone that conveyed, have you lost your ever-loving mind?

“Yeah, lunch,” he said. “There’s a new salad place, or this Thai place I found that I think you’d like.”

This was world rocking. For years, lunch for me looked like this: A hollow pit in my stomach and a light head would drive me out of my home office like a bear from hibernation. I’d head for the kitchen to forage for last night’s leftovers, or to slather peanut butter on a slice of bread and raid a pickle jar. It certainly didn’t involve a restaurant.

On another occasion, I was about to go run errands. I hollered to DC in his mancave, “Hey, I’m heading to the dry cleaners, the paint store and the market. Be back in an hour.”

Next thing he was sitting in my passenger seat.

I raised my eyebrows.

“I thought you’d like company,” he said.

“Happy to have you,” I said and meant it until he started giving me driving tips. “Look, we’re not going to turn into one of those retired couples who do everything in pairs, right?”

His lips formed a tight seam.

I guess that’s my answer.

We are now eight months into this new frontier and, though we have successfully navigated the hills and dales, I know homelife will never be the same. And that’s not all bad.

For wives (or husbands) whose spouses are on the verge of retiring, here’s what else to expect:

·      A change in table topics. Over dinner, DC and I used to talk about everything that had happened in our respective workdays. He’d tell me about a legal case he just got. I’d share an interesting interview I had. Now, we are already briefed before we sit down. I’ll start to tell him about a phone call I had, and he’ll say, “I know, I heard you.” So, we have new table topics: ideas to improve the house or yard, what the kids (five plus four spouses) and grandkids (eight and counting) are up to, whose birthday we are almost forgetting, and where we should travel next, because now we have ….

·      More spontaneity. Once you don’t have kids to get to school and the 9-to-5 is behind you (huzzah!), nothing should hold you back from making the most of what’s become known as the go-go years. To do that, make your home a place that is easy to lock up and leave. Don’t let your yard, or pets, or houseplants, or mail delivery, stop you from going places. Arrange for sitters and services to handle what needs handling and go.

·      Curated news. Since DC retired, I get a lot more current events sent my way. Always a news junkie, DC now devours even more headlines and sends me all the “fascinating” articles he unearths, like a new mummy archaeologists discovered in Croatia. It’s like having my own custom news channel. Plus, if I do my reading, we can discuss all over dinner, which helps resolve point number one.

·      More input. You’ll wonder how you ever managed to meal plan, buy groceries, and make dinners for the week without your spouse’s help. This spouse will also quiz you on whether you used coupons, while you wonder why on earth this new helper thinks it’s okay to serve sliced red tomatoes on a bright orange plate.

·      More quality time. Just when you thought you were taking the dog to the vet by yourself, you’re not. Depending on your relationship, this can be a plus or a minus.

·      Lunch dates. And, yes, when a handsome fellow comes into your office and invites you to lunch, you break out of whatever you’re focusing on, embrace the change, and say, “Lunch? Why, I’d love to.”

CAPTION: New house rules — When one spouse retires and the other still works, couples often find that homelife gets a remodel. Photo courtesy Auremar /Dreamstime.